Glenda's Musings

Poetry

2011-04-14T13:31:00.002-04:00

I am in poetry writing mode. In fact, I've written three in three days - some kind of record for me I'm sure. It started when http://www.creative-writing-now.com sent me a free gift of a Sestina Poetry tool. I'd never heard of Sestina Poetry. Here's a definition from http://poetry.about.com/od/poeticforms/g/sestina.htm: The sestina is a challenging form in which, rather than simply rhyming, the actual line-ending words are repeated in successive stanzas in a designated rotating order. A sestina consists of six 6-line stanzas, concluding with a 3-line “envoi” which incorporates all the line-ending words, some hidden inside the lines. The prescribed pattern for using the 6 line-ending words is: 1st stanza 1 2 3 4 5 6 2nd stanza 6 1 5 2 4 3 3rd stanza 3 6 4 1 2 5 4th stanza 5 3 2 6 1 4 5th stanza 4 5 1 3 6 2 6th stanza 2 4 6 5 3 1 envoi 2--5 4--3 6--1 My curiosity was peaked and off I went. Follows are the three poems - each quite long, but I feel well worth the read.

Beach Comfort The world of the waves sweeps over the wide smooth sand along which I stroll, barefoot, bucket in hand, fingers picking up sea shells, heart and soul seeking comfort as the waves roll back and then in again, refreshed. I find my thoughts roll around, far from refreshed moving through my emotions, waves and waves of emotion, refusing comfort. I look at the endless expanse of sand Stretching in front of me, shells Scattered through the footprints left by barefoot children and adults. They walk barefoot along the beach, hoping to be refreshed as they collect the shells that roll in at the mercy of the waves. My heart shifts like the sand blown before the wind. Why is comfort so elusive? I need to find comfort here where the barefoot children run in the sand and their parents are refreshed as they play together in the waves. Is the comfort I seek found in the shells? Does the comfort live in the shells? Or am I responsible for finding my own comfort, not allowing others to steal it and throw it in the waves to wash out to sea, leaving me barefoot and alone? I am suddenly refreshed by that thought. I dig my toes in the sand and laugh, laugh, laugh as the sand buries my feet, tiny sea shells tumbling and tumbling. Refreshed I turn to leave, knowing I find comfort in my own heart, in my own soul. Barefoot I wade back through the waves. I kick the loose hot sand as I walk home, comfort warming my heart, sea shells rattling in my bucket. Barefoot I realize I am refreshed, like the never ending waves. written 4/11/2011

What Do We Remember? When we were young we had no idea what old was. But that was yesterday, and now it’s today and old is no longer tomorrow. Young is in our memories. What are our memories? In the bright light of the young, it seems memories are only for tomorrow. The light in the eyes of the old shine brightly today as they remember the events of yesterday. It was just yesterday that so many memories were formed to be remembered today. What did we do when we were young that we’re proud of now that we’re old? We’ll know when tomorrow comes. We wait for tomorrow with bated breath, ruing yesterday when we thought we’d never be old. But now our memories from when we were young haunt us today. What will happen today that we’ll hold onto for tomorrow? When we were young we forgot about yesterday, trusting we would have the memories to sustain us when we are old. Now we are old and what happens today will be precious memories that we’ll share tomorrow and wish we remembered yesterday, the yesterday when we were young. What is it to be old and know that tomorrow will soon be today, and then will be yesterday, and that our memories are only of when we were young? written 4/12/2011

The Ritual of Tea The sun rises, ready for its cup of tea. The morning ritual begins with the rich aroma of the tea brewing, quiet in the warm teapot, meditation of tea leaves melding with water, sensual coupling like the sensual dance of sun and moon. Tea poured, eyes closed in meditation, heart and soul ready for the ritual of the refreshing quiet, steam rising full of the heady aroma. The morning fills with the aroma of bodies moving in a sensual dance of partnership. They quiet and return to their tea, and return to their ritual, and return to their meditation. The bliss of joy reaches through meditation even as the aroma of the tea follows its ritual and calls forth the sensual awakenings. Hot tea sipped slowly, helps quiet the soul. Once quiet the soul can once again approach meditation. The heart finds joy in the tea, leaping in anticipation as the aroma rises, swirls and twirls, sensual and serene. The ritual of the tea prepares for the ritual of the day, a day no longer quiet, a day when the sensual is lost and no amount of meditation can bring it back. The aroma is of busyness and stress, not of tea. The evening ritual begins with meditation, finding the quiet even as the aroma, the loving sensual aroma rises from the cup of tea. written 4/13/2011

I'd love to hear what y'all think. Feel free to comment here or leave a comment on my website or on Facebook. Thanks for reading!

1000

2011-03-02T09:21:00.002-05:00

That's a large number in some instances and a small one in others. In this instance it almost seems overwhelming.

I've been challenged to list 1000 things that make me smile or laugh, that make me shiver with happiness and/or excited anticipation, that make me thankful.

The list should cover the minute parts of my being, from breathing to shoes on my feet. And it should cover the daily things like food on my table and the softness of my cat's furr. And, of course, the big things - Lisa in my life, my kids, my health, my job, etc etc etc.

I've tried keeping a gratitude journal in the past and failed. I didn't fail because I didn't have anything to be thankful for but because I went about it in a way that didn't work for me. Each time before I bought a seperate journal for the gratitude list, seperate from the one I carry with me 24/7 and write in whenever the urge comes upon me. Having a second book to carry was a pain. And I kept forgetting to write in it.

So this time I'm combining my list of things I'm grateful for, things that make me laugh and smile, in my 'normal' journal. I number my list so I can see how far along I am on this challenge (81 right now), but I do it in the body of the journal. No special pages; I'm not changing colors of ink; I'm just throwing it in there.

And this time I think I'll be successful.

Back to that number - 1000. How many of us look around and truly realize how much we have to be thankful for? How many things make us laugh and smile and anticipate something good or exciting to happen? Why do we remember to say thank you to someone who does something nice for us but we forget to thank ourselves or the Universe (God, Goddess, angels, whoever your higher power is) for the so-called mundane things? I'm learning to appreciate the fact we have paved roads to drive on, the remote control to the TV, flushing toilets, the things we usually take for granted.

I challenge you to join me on this journey. Start now. Write down one thing, just one, that you are grateful for. Then, later, add another and another. You'll be amazed at how listing the things you are grateful for and that make you happy can almost instantly change a bad mood to a good one.

Thank you, dear readers, for reading this rambling post.

Rest In Peace

2010-06-28T12:26:00.001-04:00

My ex-father-in-law passed away Saturday. This is written in memoriam:

Rest in Peace
Virgil Leroy Poulter
March 27, 1927 – June 26, 2010

Virgil, you were one of the most intelligent, caring, giving funny people I have ever known. Your quick wit brought many smiles, as did your wonderful limericks. You were always loving and accepting. Your love for Joana, your kids and kids-in-law and especially for your grandchildren shone bright. Our memories will keep that light alive in our hearts. Thank you for all you did and all you gave. You are already greatly missed.

Spring/Summer Contest

2010-04-13T09:55:00.002-04:00

In my perfect world, a day would not pass that I didn’t feel warm sand between my toes, hear the ocean’s timeless call, feel the sea breeze on my face, taste the salt in the air and find the most wonderful seashells. I would watch the waves for dolphins feeding and playing and wonder what it would be like to be a mermaid, swimming at their side.

I love to walk the beach as the tide recedes, leaving behind the sea’s most wondrous gifts. Scallops and whelks and auger, angel wings and moon snail’s and olive shells all wait to be discovered and added to my ever-growing collection. It’s especially nice to find conch shells or helmets, but those are few and far between.

To celebrate spring and summer and beach time, I’m giving away an autographed copy of my book, Welcome Home, and a bag to carry it and your suntan lotion in. Just find the seashells scattered through my website (some on almost every page), count them, and send me a guestbook entry or use the form on the front page with the number of shells you found and your favorite page you found some on. Be sure to include your email address. On my birthday, June 15, I’ll ask my handsome son-in-law to draw a name to win the bag and the book. The entries with the closest number of seashells actually on my website will be entered in a second drawing for a surprise gift.

While you’re looking for seashells, stop long enough to enjoy the photographs, artwork, short stories and poetry found on their respective pages. Feel free to leave comments, suggestions, critiques along with your contest entry.

Good luck and have fun seashell seeking!

Our Favorite Bookstores contest

2010-03-14T08:56:00.003-04:00

www.GlendaPoulter.com is proud to announce the "Our Favorite Bookstores" contest. Tell us about your favorite brick and mortar independent bookstore. Each store will be featured on the "Our Favorite Bookstores" page and will receive a poster proclaiming to the world they are one of "Our Favorite Bookstores." Each entrant will be entered to win a Welcome Home tote bag and an autographed copy of Welcome Home. If you already own the book I have another goody for you.

Let's support our local independent businesses, especially the bookstores.

Contest

2010-03-11T18:33:00.002-05:00

It's that time again! I'll be sponsoring a new contest at my website - www.GlendaPoulter.com - starting Sunday, March 14. Check for details of how to win a book bag and an autographed copy of Welcome Home.

My proposed amendment to the marriage laws

2010-01-17T10:53:00.001-05:00

This has nothing to do with my writing, but everything to do with equality.

Since pundits of the movement against same-sex marriage uses procreation as a main reason for denying same-sex couples the right to marry, I propose an amendment to the “marriage” laws as they stand today.

When a couple marries, regardless of age or knowledge of fertility, each member of the couple must sign a contract with the government that they agree they will produce a minimum of one biological child within twenty-four months of their union. If a couple knows beforehand they are unable (due to proven infertility or age) or are unwilling to have children in the proscribed period of time, that couple is only able to have a civil union and/or domestic partnership. They will be denied the same rights as legally married couples who can and will have children (taxes, health care, etc). Partners will not be allowed to include each other on health insurance benefits at work unless that benefit is taxed, as it is now for same-sex couples. They will be denied the right to be with their loved one during health care crises unless the appropriate powers of attorney are on hand. They will be in danger of losing their home should their partner die unless they are specifically mentioned as inheriting it in their partner’s will.

If, after two years, a couple who has signed the childbirth contract has not had the promised child(ren), their union will be null and void. They will be required to pay back taxes on any benefits they have received as a result of their union, including any taxes paid as a married couple when they should have been filing as individuals. Any children born after the union is deemed over (by law, since the children were not born in the twenty-four month time frame), will be considered born out of wedlock. The non-childbearing member will not be allowed to have his name on the birth certificate and will not be allowed to adopt the child unless in a state where same-sex couples are given the right to have both parents’ names on the birth certificate and/or is allowed to adopt the child.

The only exceptions to the above are if couples who cannot or chooses not to have children are married in a state that recognizes same-sex marriage. However, the couple will not be allowed to claim federal benefits since they cannot or will not have children.

Once ALL marriages are recognized by the federal government and ALL marriages receive the same benefits, whether opposite sex couples or same-sex couples, the above amendments will become null and void.

another review

2010-01-07T10:57:00.000-05:00

I got this review from a reader and, with her permission, I'm sharing it with you all. I laughed until I was almost in tears.

There are books you read and there are books you devour. I wasn't sure what to expect from Glenda Poulter, but only a few pages into her work I had my answer. She's above and beyond. The best compliment I can pay a writer is that they're a bathroom reader. After all, once you're in there, you're stuck so whatever you take in with you had better be good. She's one that you not only take in with you, you wind up stretching out your time because you don't want to stop reading long enough to get up and exit the room. So overall, I'd have to rate what I've read of her book so far worthy of the deep red ring on my lily white tush. - Pali

My first OFFICIAL review!

2010-01-03T09:59:00.002-05:00

Good morning (and Happy New Year!) friends. I know I should write here more often, but I find I get tongue-tied (finger-twisted?) whenever I come to my blog. So bear with me and I'll try my best to get here more often.

In the meantime, I got my first OFFICIAL review of Welcome Home today from Rainbow Reviews. I haven't stopped grinning yet. Check this out!

http://www.rainbow-reviews.com/?p=4019

I'm so excited!

I guess this should motivate me to finish the other five novels I'm working on. LOL
Actually, my second novel is almost ready to be submitted. Watch here for more details.

Thanks for reading!

Welcome Home available for purchase!

2009-11-28T07:59:00.000-05:00

Even though my webpage at PD Publishing doesn't yet reflect it (still says "ISBN: not assigned yet") I found out in the most awesome way that my book is available. I got fan mail last night! YEA!!! Gosh, that feels good. Anyway, this particular reader was able to order her copy from Amazon. Another friend of mine also sent me an email telling me she was able to order the book from one of our local bookstores.

Soooooo, check out http://glendapoulter.com/bookstores.html for my "Bookstores For Us" page at my website to find a local indie bookstore in your area where you should be able to order Welcome Home. If a store isn't listed close to you, keep checking back as my daughter is working hard to keep the list updated as I hear from more stores. (Also if you know of a store in your area that is not listed, please drop me a line with the bookstore name. I'm emailing all I can find email addresses for.)

If for some reason you would rather not shop a brick and mortar store, here's the Amazon page for my book: http://www.amazon.com/Welcome-Home-Glenda-Poulter/dp/1933720697/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259405538&sr=1-12 . Most of y'all know how I feel about Amazon, but until Welcome Home is available at SCP Books (http://www.scpbooks.com/) (hopefully soon), this is the only place I know of the book can be ordered online.

I'm so excited! Getting fan mail is awesome!

A Holler out for help

2009-10-12T06:26:00.002-04:00

Hey, everyone. I know it's been a long time since I've written anything here and I'm not going to promise that will change anytime soon. I have LOADS on my plate right now.

I'm still waiting for Welcome Home to be released. My hope is that it will be out and available by the end of October. I will definitely update everyone on that as soon as I know anything.

I'm working diligently on self-editing my second book, Out of the Past, to get it ready for beta readers. I have one lined up, but I need two or three more sets of eyes to look it over. If any of you are a beta reader, or if you are willing to read this book with a VERY critical set of eyes, looking for grammatical errors, sentence structure problems, punctuation errors, holes in plot, weak story line, etc, etc, etc, and aren't afraid of hurting my feelings, PLEASE email me privately (imtogfer AT gmail DOT com).

Next month is NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month. The gauntlet is thrown down to write a minimum 50,000 word novel in 30 days. I have my novel outline and am making notes for it everytime something about it pops into my head. I won last year with Out of the Past and I hope to win again this year. Right in the middle of that, I'll be flying (yes, I'LL be flying - yuck) back to Texas to visit friends and family. I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone.

Now, for the REAL reason behind this post.

A new writers' guild - Lesfic Writers' Guild - is being formed by a group of writers, readers, publishers and promoters of lesbian fiction. My job is to compile a list of stores - both GLBT stores and independent bookstores that carry GLBT literature - from around the country for the group. If you know of a store in your area, or even somewhere out of the area, I would highly appreciate it if you would send me the name of the store and any other information you might have about it. You can send that info to the email address I set up specifically for this endeavor (bookstoresforus AT gmail DOT com). Please put "store info" in the subject line. Thanks in advance for any help you can give.

Well, it's off to slave for the corporate world another day. Y'all have a great week!

Defensive Pessimism + Positive Thinking

2009-07-20T18:42:00.000-04:00

This is going to seem like a strange message in light of my very strong belief in the power of positive thinking and changing negative thoughts to positive ones. However, I do believe there are time "defensive pessimism" definitely has its place.

Defensive pessimism basically has three steps:
1) Lower your expectations of a particular outcome. For instance, my book is coming out soon (I still don't know exactly when). While I would love for it to sell thousands of copies and win any number of awards, I've decided to just be happy to see it in print when I finally hold the final copy.

2) When you find yourself playing the "what if?" game, give it your all. Go ahead and imagine the absolute worse that could happen. Back to my example: My biggest "what if?" is "What if no one buys my book?" and "What if the people who DO buy it hate it?". So, I've written down the worse possible scenarios and that's where #3 comes in.

3) Using your list of the worse that could happen, plan on a course of action to be sure you some strategies in place to A) prevent the worse case scenarios from becoming reality, or B) if they do become a reality, you're prepared with some ways to combat it. So, I'm A) working on promoting my book and setting up readings once the book is out and B) I have my cave dug to hide in (just kidding! LOL).

I've read that people who are natural pessimists (and we are out here) actually do better using defenisve pessimism (especially for the big things in life) than when we force ourselves to "think positive" about everything. And believe me, I do believe in positive thinking and I use it on a daily basis. But right now, I'm faced with some personal issues with my son that are really challenging my positive thinking skills. So, I sat down this morning before I meditated and made out a list of all the absolute worse things that could happen in this situation. Then I made up my strategy list and meditated on it, asking my Higher Power, my Goddess, for guidance in finding a positive way through it all. I guess you could say I'm learning to combine positive thinking and defensive pessimism to my advantage.

T-day

2008-11-28T08:43:00.003-05:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving day. Lisa and I drove down to Bladen Lakes State Forest and did a short hike at Jones Lake State Park. We got there kind of late in the afternoon, so we didn't go far and I didn't take a huge amount of pictures. But I got a few I like.

The lake was almost completely placid, so the reflections were close to perfect.

I WON!!!!

2008-11-25T08:05:00.002-05:00

My NaNoWriMo novel is over 57,000 words and I'm not finished with it yet. But today I can officially say I've won the challenge (along with about 18,000 other people, I hope!). I like having a deadline like this. It makes me work harder and think faster and just get the words out. I'll clean them up and make them really make sense later, after I've written "The End" on this rough first draft. I'm considering posting one chapter at a time on my website as I get them edited. I'll let y'all know more about that once I've made a definite decision.

I hope everyone has a marvelous Thanksgiving. Lisa and I are planning a quiet one. I'm going to bake a couple of Cornish game hens and steam some broccoli and that's about it for our feast. I hope the weather is good so we can go spend some time outdoors. Otherwise, we'll just watch TV, surf the net, and spend the day together.

Rejuvenation

2008-11-20T09:20:00.003-05:00

A couple of weekends ago I ran away from home. I didn't know where I was going until I got there. "There" ended up being Kure Beach, just south of Wilmington. I arrived at the peak of high tide on a windy day. This picture was taken below the Kure Beach Fishing Pier.

It amazes me how much the ocean rejuvenates me, even when it is too rough or too cold to get in. The sound of the waves, the smell and taste of the salt air, the texture of the sand between my toes, the sight of the pelicans skimming the water - all of these things bring joy to my soul and relaxation to my heart and mind.

NaNoWriMo

2008-11-19T06:45:00.004-05:00

NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month, which just happens to be November. It is a challenge to write a novel of 50,000 words or more during the 30 days of the month. This is the first time I've attempted the challenge and so far I'm pretty happy with how it is going. I'm almost at 45,000 words and still have a ways to go before the story reaches its logical conclusion. AND I like my story!

The key to being able to write, on average, 1667 words a day is to retire your "internal editor" for the month. Some people drew what they felt like their editor looked like and then burned it, or wadded it up and gave it to their cat to bat around, or banished it in some other way. I locked mine in a cat carrier and told her I would let her out to play on December 1 or whenever I actually finished the novel. She has moaned and groaned, but so far has behaved herself and stayed locked away.

The title of my book is Out of the Past . . . (yes, including the ellipses). Imagine what it would be like to visit a city you have never been before and recognize landmarks, feel a sense of familiarity, and "know" the people the tour guides tell you about. Imagine standing on a porch and feeling a sense of first belonging, and then, suddenly, a sense of overwhelming terror and the need to escape that porch. This is basically what happens to my protaganist and the story is how she comes to understand these feelings and learn what to do with them. I hope, once the book is finished, to publish a chapter at a time on my website (http://www.glendapoulter.com/) and I also hope to submit it for publication. Here is the cover I designed for the book. And, yes, I did take this picture.

Speaking of my website, my webmistress will be working on simplifying it over the next few days. So, if you go to visit and pages aren't working properly, please be patient and try again later.

Welcome Home cover

2008-11-17T06:49:00.001-05:00

PD Publishing finalized the cover to Welcome Home this weekend. I'd love to hear what y'all think. Personally I love it! It's extra exciting since they chose to use one of my own photographs!

Meet Mouse

2008-10-24T08:11:00.002-04:00

This is my Russian Blue/Tabby mix kitty. I adopted him from a shelter that was closing its doors and planned on putting any remaining animals to sleep. I got there five minutes after they locked the doors and pounded until they let me in. Mouse was twelve weeks old and the sweetest little thing you could ever see. He rode draped across my shoulders the 100+ miles back to my house just purring his head off. But he seldom meows - he's very quiet. And that's why I named him Mouse. He is absolutely one of the most lovable kitties you'll ever meet. The look on his face is his "Why are you taking ANOTHER picture of me?" face.

Bull frog

2008-10-23T07:04:00.000-04:00

Taken sometime last year at UNC Botanic Gardens, Chapel Hill, NC>

Tranquil bench

2008-10-21T08:05:00.001-04:00

I have a thing for benches and have a whole collection of photographs of them. This one is in the Japanese Arboretum at Duke Gardens in Durham, NC. It looks over a small, babbling brook that has a series of small waterfalls. To sit and listen to the water running down the creek and to the birds that fuss at me for invading their territory is one of the most relaxing activities I know of.

Boardwalk at Hunting Island, SC

2008-10-19T09:03:00.001-04:00

This is a golden oldie. It is a scanned photo (so forgive me if the quality isn't the best) of the boardwalk out over the salt marshes at Hunting Island, SC. It was taken about '96 or '97. This is where I want my ashes spread when God takes me home. It is beautiful there and I miss it!

Bodie Island lighthouse

2008-10-18T08:58:00.000-04:00

Outerbanks, NC. Taken Spring, 2007.

Carolina Lily

2008-10-15T07:53:00.000-04:00

I love the way these bloom upside down. Taken at Duke Gardens back in August.

Cat bird

2008-10-14T07:57:00.001-04:00

Taken at Duke Gardens sometime in August. He played hide-n-seek with me, but I was able to snap a couple of good shots.

Old barn

2008-10-13T06:50:00.003-04:00

This is another picture I took on my way home from Asheville. I couldn't safely get out of the car so I had to take it through the window (notice the mirror in the bottom of the picture!). I was on 226A north of Asheville. I was impressed at how many people had dahlias blooming in such proliferation. It was a beautiful day for a drive, even if I did get lost!

Blue Ridge Mountains

2008-10-12T20:24:00.002-04:00

I took the scenic route home from Asheville today. This is just one of the beautiful sights I witnessed. Unfortunately, I was unable to take many pictures as there weren't many places to safely pull off the road.

It was good to see Lisa (more than good!) and to visit with the friends we met out there for Asheville Pride. It is good (sort of - Lisa isn't here :( ) to be home, but I can't wait 'til the day arrives I can move to Kentucky to be with my Lisa permanently.

Bee inside water lily

2008-10-10T08:04:00.002-04:00

Taken at Duke Gardens, sometime in August or September.

I am on my way to Asheville, NC, and Asheville Pride this afternoon. Lisa is going to be able to meet me there (YIPPEE!!!) for the weekend, but then on Sunday, we have to go back in opposite directions again (boo-hoo :( ). We're meeting up with some friends of mine from one of my support groups and we're really looking forward to it.

Because I'll be out of town, I doubt I'll be able to post my "Picture of the Day" again until Monday. Hopefully, I'll have some good fall foliage pictures to share.

Everyone have a good weekend!

Pink water Lily

2008-10-09T07:03:00.001-04:00

Taken this past May at JC Raulston Arboretum, North Carolina State University, Raleigh, NC.

Wrightsville Beach

2008-10-08T06:01:00.000-04:00

Taken early morning, about 7ish, June 15, 2008.

Yawning Great Blue Heron

2008-10-07T09:18:00.001-04:00

Taken at the duck pond at Sarah P. Duke Gardens, Duke University, Durham, NC. This blue heron was perched on top of a wood duck box close enough to the edge of the pond I was able to get fairly close. He didn't seem to mind me being less than 10 feet from him snapping one picture after another.

Bridge over pond

2008-10-06T07:33:00.001-04:00

Taken at Sarah P. Duke Gardens, Duke University, Durham, NC, sometime in September.

Tiny waterfall

2008-10-05T07:25:00.003-04:00

Taken October 4, 2008, at Umstead State Park, Raleigh, NC. Pott's Branch Trail, a beautiful, easy 1.25 mile hike, follows Pott's Branch Creek. Notice the fall leaves.

Our next door neighbors

2008-10-04T08:01:00.001-04:00

Taken September 6, 2008, just outside Raleigh/Durham, NC. Lisa calls them the "Executive Committee."

Inside a giant water lily

2008-10-03T08:40:00.001-04:00

Taken this summer (in August I think) at Sarah P. Duke Gardens, Duke University, Durham, NC. Can y'all tell I love Duke Gardens?

Wet Lily

2008-10-02T06:55:00.003-04:00

Taken at Sarah P. Duke Gardens, Duke University, Durham, NC, sometime last month. Be sure you click on the picture to see the full effect of the water droplets on the stamens.

Egret in top of very tall tree

2008-10-01T06:54:00.002-04:00

Taken Sunday, September 28, 2008, at Sarah P. Duke Gardens, Duke University, Durham, NC.

Long time

2008-10-01T06:36:00.002-04:00

Hi folks. Sorry it's been so terribly long since I updated my blog. Life, as we know it, has changed so very much. Transition is once again in the air.

As you probably know, Lisa lost her job at the vet clinic here in Raleigh on July 3. Details aren't important, but the doctor there seems to have done her best to black-ball Lisa at every turn. We actually, at one point, considered consulting an attorney since it seems that the doctor was telling potential employers some rather insulting things about Lisa.

Before that could happen, a dear friend of Lisa's who lives near her hometown in Kentucky, told Lisa about a job opening at the clinic she works for. After a telephone interview with the doctor there, Lisa was invited to go up for a face-to-face interview. We talked about it, weighed our options, and then made the arrangements for Lisa to basically move back to Kentucky. We borrowed money (thank you, dear friend!), spoke to Lisa's aunt where she is staying and Lisa left this past Saturday. Her interview was Monday at noon and she'll hear something "later this week." In the meantime, she is checking for other job openings as we do not have the money to get her back to Raleigh should this job not pan out.

So, I am working at Labcorp, at least for the time being. Once Lisa starts working up in Kentucky, she'll find a small furnished room so she won't have to stay at her aunt's house, and then she'll start looking for us a place to live. Our idealistic goal is for me to join her by the end of January, but realistically I don't expect to be up there before about Easter. A large part of my heart is in Kentucky and it is frustrating not knowing when we'll be together again.

I thought "Okay, I'll spend my quiet evenings writing." Well, that just doesn't seem to be happening. I just don't seem to have anything to say when the inspiration for me to start writing in the first place is 400 miles away. I have so many stories started and an obligation to finish one by November AND I've signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November and I have no clue what to write about. I can never remember feeling this empty before.

Thank goodness for good friends - both in real life and cyber friends - because my own kids aren't being very supportive at this time in my life. I let them know Lisa left and why and asked, no begged, them to call me once in a while to cheer me up, to give me a boost. Lisa left on Saturday - guess how many phone calls I've recieved from my "loving" children?

I had planned on going to Texas for a week in December. When Lisa left, I thought the trip would have to be cancelled. And it still might have to be - I have to be sure I have someone to dog-sit before I make any hard and fast plans. However, IF I still am able to make the trip, I seriously doubt I'll stay with the kids. Why should I? They obviously don't care about me or how I feel or the fact that the one person I love more than life itself isn't here with me right now. Why in the world would I want to stay with people like that? And since I have no place else to stay, it looks like the trip is off regardless of whether I can find a dog-sitter or not.

I saw on another blog where someone posts a picture a day that she took. I think the pictures she posts are ones she took each individual day. I thought that was so cool. Doing something like that would force me to look around everyday for something worth photographing. So, I thought I would start doing something like that. I'm going to start with posting a photo a day from my archives, but eventually, soon, I hope to post one a day I took THAT day! I would love to hear y'all's comments on the pictures.

Thanks to all of you for reading my diatribe. I'm lonely. I miss my Lisa. I miss the people I thought I raised my children to be.

Glenda

Contest

2008-08-14T07:09:00.001-04:00

Hi!

I'd like to announce a new contest I'm having over at my website, http://www.glendapoulter.com/. Scroll to the bottom of the first page to the guestmap. Click on the link and place your pin on where you live. Everyone who does by August 31 will have their name put into a drawing for one of four prizes. The prizes are either an autographed poster of the cover of my book, Coming Home, or a free download (ebook) of the novel from http://www.l-book.com/. Winners will be notified by email by September 5. Good luck!

Glenda

Don't eat Papa John's

2008-06-27T22:06:00.002-04:00

On June 16, Lisa and I ordered (online) a pizza, cheese sticks, 2 diet cokes, 1 free coke zero and a tropical fusion. When the order was delivered we got a pizza, 1 diet coke, 1 coke zero and a vitamin water. We called the store that the order was delivered from and the young man I spoke to told me I was "stupid" because we apparently hit the wrong button on the website. Okay, that pissed me off, but I stayed remarkably calm. Then I asked why we got a vitamin water instead of the tropical fusion and again I was told I was "stupid" for not knowing that particular store did not carry the fusion. Then I blew up and Lisa took the phone away from me. She demanded we get our cheese sticks and the manager was extremely rude to her. So she told him to come get the food and credit our debit card the $27.26. He told her he wouldn't come get the food but would credit the card. He didn't do it. So, we then had a $35 overdraft fee. As of today we still didn't have our credit. We called the store and was told "Oh, we forgot." Oh, you wouldn't believe how mad that made me and Lisa. On top of that, we were told since they "forgot," they can't do it now, it has to be done at corporate. Well, we called corporate. Everyone there that can do it is on "vacation." I have filed formal complaints with the Better Business Bureau and with Papa John's online. I am now starting a huge campaign to take as much business away from them as possible. I am making up flyers that say, in essence, "Papa John's false advertises what products are available; they make promises they have no intention of keeping; they are thieves and commit fraud." Then I'm putting those flyers on every car in their parking lot and in the parking lots of adjacent businesses.

So, be fair warned. Papa John's does not police their stores to be sure that what is advertised on the website is the same products available at their stores; they do not police their stores to be sure their customers are treated with respect; they do not police their stores to be sure that money that should be refunded to their customers is refunded. This store IS a corporate store; so the corporation is responsible for making sure the customers that frequent that store are treated properly.

Pain

2008-06-17T11:46:00.002-04:00

I've tried to get past the fact that the man who donated his sperm to give me life chose over 40 years ago to not be my "daddy." I've tried to get past the fact that he deserted us emotionally and in some ways physically so long ago. Over the years I tried, I begged, to be able to have a relationship with him. He was always too busy with his new family, with his "bad" health, with anything other than us. He attended none of our HS graduations; he only made it to one of our weddings, but only then because he was in town to see about Grandma; he was too busy to come to my daughter's wedding. He professed to be Mom's friend, but he didn't even attempt to come to her funeral.

Now, suddenly, he wants to open a dialogue with me; he wants to try to be the "dad" he never was. Six weeks ago I got an email from him. I answered him and told him the ball was in his court; I would communicate with him through email, but I would not initiate any contact. I finally got another email from him yesterday. I copied it here since there is no way I can put into my own words his ugliness:

Dear Glenda,
Just a few lines to let you know I have not forgotten you or my promise to you. I looked at your web site, and I now understand why there has been so little contact between us. Let me say very early in this letter, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR BECOME, YOU WILL NEVER NOT BE MY DAUGHTER, AND AS SUCH I WILL NEVER INTENTIONALLY DESERT YOU. That all having been said, you must know and understand that I do not and CANNOT approve or condone your chosen life style. I promised you when you contacted me that I would not judge you, and that promise is still very much in effect. I do not have to agree with you to love you and try to be the Dad I have never been to you. That is my present objective. No one knows any better than I do how much time I have wasted, nor does anyone have a greater desire to begin now to be at least a part of what I never was, your dad as well as your father. If you want to talk to me about these subjects or anything, I do not believe e-mail is a proper forum for these kinds of dialogues. So you will need to either call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or xxx-xxx-xxxx (cellular) ANYTIME you want to talk, and I do mean ANYTIME. I will receive your e-mail, but I will not discuss any of these issues via e-mail.I love you, and I pray and deeply hope that it is not forever too late to be at least a small part of yor life.

Much love and prayers,
Dad

I xxxed out his phone numbers out of the tiny bit of respect I have for him.

I cannot even begin to say how this email made me feel. I ranted and raved for awhile, but now I'm sad, oh so sad. Why in hell did I think things would be different this time? Why in the world did I think he really meant it this time? How stupid do I have to be to keep falling for his idiocy? I wrote him back. Here's what I said to him:

Your email is the biggest insult I have received in a VERY long time.

Point 1) You said: I now understand why there has been so little contact between us
The reason there has been so little contact between us has nothing to do with anything you read on my website. The reason there has been so little contact between us is you CHOSE not to contact me; you CHOSE not to respond when I tried to contact you. I gave up.

Point 2) You said: I WILL NEVER INTENTIONALLY DESERT YOU. You did that a LONG time ago. So it's too late to say you won't now. Already been done.

Point 3) You said: I promised you when you contacted me I didn't contact you this time. YOU contacted me. Don't put the onus on me.

Point 4) You said: try to be the Dad I have never been to you You are right, you never have been a Dad to me. And if you think this email is going to make me run into your arms as though nothing ever happened, well you live in a dream world. You were the sperm donor that gave me life and that's it.

Point 5) I have no issues to discuss with you. The tone of your email tells me you plan on preaching to me, to judging me (regardless of what you say), to not be the "Dad" I never had. You plan on doing your best to talk me into giving up the first happiness I've ever had in my life.

I did not "choose" to be a lesbian. I was born that way. I've known it since I was 17, but I tried to be a "good" little girl. I did all the things you and your God and mom and her God and Mike and his God and Chris and her God told me I was supposed to do. But Tim did me the biggest favor he could ever have done by leaving me because I was able to finally be true to myself. I am in love; I am happy. I have found the true God; the one who loves EVERYONE He created; not just a few. I also know He didn't make a mistake when He created me the way I am. My God is happy I am with the love of my life; He is the God of love, not of hate and intolerance that y'all's God is. You can keep that God.

If you think I'm going to call you to "discuss" any of these issues or anything else, you are sadly mistaken. I don't need you or your preaching. Keep it.

And, of course, as soon as I hit send, I thought of more I wanted to say to him. So this email got sent this morning:

The more I think about this email, the angrier I get. I tried from the time I was 10 or 11 years old to get your attention, to make you want to see the person I was and am now. You ignored me or brushed me off. In one memorable conversation when I was 19, you compared me to Mom by calling me a "bitch and a liar." I'm sure your convenient memory has allowed you to forget about that. I've tried as recently as a few short years ago to contact you and stay in touch, but you were too busy. You were too busy to come to my high school graduation, my wedding, my daughter's wedding. How dare you think that now that you are house bound that you suddenly have time for me! You should have made the time forty years ago.

YOU contacted me. YOU are who wanted to open a dialog and try to become acquainted with me (I refuse to say "reacquainted" because you have never known me, cared to know me, or made an effort to know me before now). YOU made a promise that if I responded you would too and that we could keep the dialog to email, which is the ONLY way I will communicate with you as I do not wish to hear your whining voice and hear how bad you feel all the time.

Your health has been your only topic of conversation for as long as I can remember. Mom was in ICU at Huguley back in September of '02. We had been told she wouldn't survive the day much less the week. You called up there and I had the misfortune of answering the phone. All you could talk about was how bad your health was. That was when I truly wrote you off. Shame on you for thinking we even care anymore! It gets old, very old, very quickly when all we hear is "I'm sicker than you" and "I'm worse off than you." Why in the world do you think I would call you since I know that is all I would hear?

I also know if I call you, you will spew Bible verses at me to prove to me how "wrong" my relationship is. Well, sir, I too have been studying my Bible. But I have been studying it in the context in which it was written. I do not live by the Old Testament (and if you did, you would have already been taken to the gate of the city and stoned to death), so don't spew Leviticus at me. And if you read Paul's words in context, in the true meaning in which they were written, he was warning against selling your body, whether in a heterosexual or a homosexual manner. If you read Jesus' words, you will find not one word about homosexuality, for or against. In fact, if you read Jesus' words, you will read about love and tolerance and acceptance for EVERYONE, not just a few chosen people. Shame on you and all your "religious" peers for trying to make me and my wife (yes she is my wife whether you like it or not) feel dirty and ashamed of who we are.

I am proud of the person I have become. I did it on my own with little help from Mom (I will not speak ill of her - just suffice it to say she has never been supportive of me) and none from you. I am a published author; I am successful and respected in my community; I have a large number of supportive, caring and loving friends - my family of choice since my biological family are all ass-holes. I am proud of my wife. She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul who loves me, warts and all. She is successful and well respected.

Nothing you can do or say will change any of the above. You gave up the right to even try forty years ago when Mell and her girls became more important to you than your own biological children.

If you wish to communicate with me it will be strictly by email. I will not call you. Period. You do not need my phone number or my mailing address. So, now it is up to you. If you want to try to build a relationship with me, there will be ground rules:

1) Email ONLY
2) No preaching; no judging - do not spew your version of the Bible to me
3) Not one word against me or my wife
4) Not one word about your "health"

If you think you can stick to those, fine write me. Otherwise, good-bye forever. I do not need your grief in my life. I have enough of my own. I'm still grieving the death of my mother - whom I loved dearly and tried my best for and failed miserably for 48 years. I'm grieving the fact I'll never be a grandmother because of my daughter's health and the fact my son will probably never marry (by his choice). I'm grieving other shit that is none of your business. I don't need your wallowing in self-pity, nor do I need your judgmental, self-righteous, sanctimonious tirades about how "bad" I am and how "wrong" my relationship is. So, you choose.

I know I will probably never hear from him again and that should be the end of it. So why does it hurt so bad? Why do I still crave a "daddy"? WHY!!!!?????

My birthday trip

2008-06-16T10:18:00.005-04:00

Lisa took me to the coast for my birthday! We had such a wonderful time. We saw birds and alligators; we ate seafood and played in the ocean. I didn't want to come home! I think being 50 is going to be the best decade yet!

My good news!

2008-06-16T10:15:00.002-04:00

www.PDPublishing.com

PD Publishing has accepted my book for publication! YIPPEE!!!!

The new title will be Welcome Home. It will still be available at www.L-Book.com as an e-book and l-book under the title Coming Home.

Am I excited? Oh, let's just say my feet haven't touched the ground for quite a while now!

My (forgettable) birthday: Warning - rant ahead

2008-05-28T21:35:00.002-04:00

I turn 50 two weeks from Sunday. For the past five years I've been telling my kids I wanted us to spend that day together, regardless of where we all live. I've been promised faithfully, right up until this past Christmas, that would indeed happen. In January, my son took a job at the same company where my son in law works. I reminded him BEFORE he took it to be sure his boss knew he would need time off to come from Texas to North Carolina for my birthday. I found out a few weeks after he started, he FORGOT to tell the boss that. And now he can't get the time off. My son in law could, if he would, and he and my daughter could have come out. But he also FORGOT to ask for the time off, so now they aren't coming either.

Because my children were never taught my their father that my birthday and Mother's Day are important days to remember (although they learned Father's Day and his birthday are important), I told them in January what I wanted for each day. I told them I wanted new portraits of them for Mother's Day and a gift card to my favorite bird store for my birthday. I reminded them several times, but guess what? They FORGOT to get their pictures taken! Now, through no fault of their own, they can't afford to. But if they had done it way back when I first asked, their financial situation now would have no bearing on whether I got the portraits or not. I don't mind so much not getting the gift card (although my greedy self says I still want it!), but I don't live near my kids and I want up-to-date pictures of them and I don't think that's much to ask. But they can't remember to do anything special for me.

I keep reminding them a person only turns 50 once. I should be able to celebrate that milestone with the people I love. I am blessed to be able to spend it with Lisa. I want to spend it with my kids too. And I don't think I should be the one who has to travel for it to happen! My feelings are hurt (in case you haven't already figured that out) and I seriously doubt they will even notice. They never do. I'm that forgettable.

Joy, joy, joy

2008-05-19T13:18:00.002-04:00

Joy, joy, joy. We used to sing a song when I was a child about joy being down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart all day. That song came to me today when I was thinking about Lisa. We talked last night about joy. This is essentially what I told her:

I first discovered real, true joy when my children were born. I never knew I had the capacity for love and joy that I did until I held first my daughter, then three years later, my son in my arms. Watching them grow into intelligent, caring, giving adults was a lot of work, but work I would never trade for anything in the world. But once they were grown, while I still feel the joy of the love I have with them, that joy is a different, almost distant kind of joy. They have their own lives now and I rejoice with them in their triumphs and grieve with them when they are hurt. But I no longer derive from them the kind of joy for myself I once did.

Then, just over two years ago, another kind of joy entered my life. A joy I once again had no clue existed. Lisa walked into my life and I learned to love again, to laugh again. She helped me to gain self-confidence and self-respect and how it's okay not to question every decision I've ever made in life. And I gained joy, joy, joy. The kind of joy that does reside deep down in my heart. My heart leaps with joy whenever I think of her - her beautiful eyes and hair, her soft skin and her sensuous body. My love for her grows daily, as does the joy she brings me.

Joy, joy, joy. Deep down in my heart. Thank you, beautiful lady!

Fishing

2008-05-17T21:10:00.002-04:00

Today was the first day Lisa and I have had a chance to get out to the lake and go fishing. Why is it that when you plan on getting an early start every thing gets in the way? We got up early enough, but we still didn't manage to get to the dock until after ten o'clock. We baited our hooks and cast them out - well, I actually just let mine drop straight off the edge of the dock. Then I sat down to write, basically ignoring my pole while Lisa cast and then re-cast and then cast again. She finally cast out to where she was happy and sat down as well. I got up to stretch and notice my bobber was completely under the water. I reeled in about an 8 inch crappie. The family fishing next to us laughed and commented that the only person not really fishing was the only one catching anything. Well, I continued to just basically wet my bait and then write for a while and I'm the only one to catch anything. I caught four crappie, but only three were keepers.

We came home and I fired up the grill. Then I cleaned my fish and wrapped them in foil. I had already thawed a T-bone out, so I seasoned it and put it over the coals. I added the fish after the steak had cooked about 10 minutes. I turned it over and cooked it all another 10 minutes while I heated corn on the cob up on the stove. We had a feast! The steak and fish and corn were all just perfect.

Well, the coals were still perfect for cooking. We had brats and Italian sausage in the freezer so we pulled those out and put them over the coals. They are perfectly cooked for us to use in our spaghetti tomorrow night and for lunches during the week.

The day was about as perfect as a day could get. The only downside is the back of my neck, sides of my face, and tops of my ears are all beet red. I wore a ball cap, but that didn't give me much protection. So now I have my funky hat with the flaps that cover my neck and a big floppy brim to keep the sun off the rest of my face and I dug out the sunblock. Lisa is a tad bit red as well, but not nearly as bad. I'm glad I wore long-sleeves or I would really be cooked. The breeze was so cool and comfortable we kind of forgot about the sun until it was too late.

We're going to try to go fishing again tomorrow morning. The forecast calls for scattered showers, but we're hoping they're scattered somewhere else!

SENSE OF SELF

2008-05-16T07:47:00.002-04:00

This morning one of the support groups I'm a member of got a wonderful email from a wise and wonderful woman. In it she describes how the coming out process has put her more in touch with her real self. She concluded the email by asking, "How has YOUR SENSE OF SELF shifted?" It didn't take me long to formulate a response and I felt it is an important enough question and response to post here as well.

My "sense of self" has most certainly changed since I fully accepted who I am back in September of 2005. I am more self-confident, calmer (some people would argue this one, but they didn't know me before), and able to think more clearly and with a more positive outlook on life. It didn't all happen at once, but has evolved over the course of 2 1/2 years or so. Meeting and falling in love with Lisa has helped that "sense of self" even more.

Before I came out, both to myself and to the world, I'm not even sure I had a sense of self. I was HIS wife (then HIS ex-wife), THEIR mother, HER daughter, never Glenda, an autonomous, thinking, caring, feeling person. Since I accepted myself, I have also accepted that I AM Glenda as well as all those other things, but now I'm Glenda first. I am Lisa's partner, but I'm Glenda first. I am Labcorp's employee, but I'm Glenda first. And it feels good to know I am an important person, if only in my own heart, soul and mind.

Before I came out, I would NEVER have labeled myself an ARTIST. But guess what, I AM an artist and I'm not a bad artist either. When I was finally able to tell myself I'm an artist AND believe it was almost as liberating a moment as when I was able to tell myself I'm a lesbian and not cringe.

So, all in all, I would definitely say my "sense of self" has not only shifted, but has actually emerged since I came out.

It sometimes amazes me when I look back at the person I was "before" and the person I am now. In so many ways I was beat down, my creativity was denigrated and discouraged (even under guise of encouragement), and my "self" was denied me.

My ex-husband is not a bad man, but he is/was always afraid of being shown up. He always encouraged me to take pictures, but when my photography began to improve to the point of winning competitions over his, he became quite critical. Not only of my photography, but of my writing, my quilt-making, anything that was creative. I doubt he even realized he was doing so, but it made me doubt my abilities and I essentially gave all my creative endeavors up (except the photography. But since I doubted my skills, the photographs suffered and were no where as good as they had been.)

My mother and her "roommate" weren't much better. I had many teachers, from fifth grade on, who told me I was an excellent writer. But when I would write my stories at home, I was "wasting time" and "trying to get out" of doing my chores. And if I let either of them read what I wrote, especially my poetry, they would tell me it made no sense, to put it away and get on with my housework.

My brother and my sister and my mother are/were all talented sketch artists and my sister is a wonderful seamstress. I, too, love to draw and paint, but my art is vastly different from theirs', so it wasn't "any good." "Don't waste the paper and paint, Glenda. Leave it for your brother."

But now I've learned to encourage myself. And Lisa is a huge encouragement to me. Because of her I've had the courage to share my art. And because of the hugely positive response from friends and strangers alike, I now know my art, my photography, my writing, is all good. Of course there's always room for improvement, but that's the case with life itself.

I am learning to be positive about my life. I'm learning to turn negative thinking around and make something positive from it. I'm learning that to be healthy, I have to believe I AM healthy. Since I recovered, or rather discovered, my sense of self, I have found there is a lot of good stuff about and in ME. I have a lot to offer to Lisa as a partner (something I never knew about myself before); I have a lot to offer to society in the way of art; I am a good friend to anyone who wishes to be my friend!

I finally have a "sense of self" and I like the self I've discovered!

Writing

2008-05-14T13:43:00.002-04:00

My muse has finally returned from her extended vacation. I am finally back to working on my latest novel - working title is Full Circle. Actually, I'm in the process of rewriting what I already wrote. Chapters One and Two are now Chapters One through Twelve. I think it is turning into a rather good story and I really like my main characters.

Anyway, should I not post much here, it is because I'm working on the book. I'll post as often as I think about it or something comes up I want to share.

Getting Healthy

2008-05-14T13:16:00.002-04:00

Well, Lisa and I have decided we both need to try to get to a healthy weight and try to do so in as healthy a manner as possible. I'm sick and tired of one or both of us always being sick and tired.
So, I've been doing some research into healthy weight loss and what I'm finding is surprising. For one thing, I've learned that "low-fat" and "fat-free" foods can actually cause your body to produce MORE fat, the sticky saturated fats that like to settle on hips and bellies. I've learned that some fats are absolutely essential for your body to perform properly, especially the brain and heart. And eating the right kinds of fats (such as in nuts - yum, almonds!) can make your body feel full and you won't feel like snacking as much.
Ice cold water actually helps burn calories. And since a person should drink as many ounces as half their body weight (for example, I weigh 180 lbs, so I should drink 90 ounces of water a day), drinking ice water is a big plus towards losing weight.
Drinking or eating diet foods (especially diet soda) can lead to diabetes and other metabolic diseases. One diet soda a day brings you 30% closer to a dibilating disease each day. Sugar substitutes, such as saccharin and aspartame, have been proven to cause cancer, yet the FDA won't outlaw them (hmmm, wonder who the producers of these chemicals have in their pockets?) and Splenda is a by-product of MSG and can and will cause the same health problems MSG does. (MSG is mono-sodium-glutamate for those who don't already know.)
There is no such thing as a successful DIET. A person has to be willing to change their lifestyle for life - eating healthier and in the right proportions and becoming involved in a regular exercise regimen - in order to lose weight and stay healthy while doing so. The word DIET has "DIE" in it; I would rather live!
A wonderful website for more information about healthy weight loss, good fats, and state of mind is www.helpguide.org/life/healthy_weight_loss.htm.
I am in the process now of looking for positive affirmations to use while we are on the journey back to health. In the meantime, I'm training myself to look myself in the eye every morning and say "You have the perfect body just as you are right now. Today you are meeting your calorie and exercise goals. You are healthy and happy," and actually believing it!
One of my goals is to be at my best weight since 1995 by June 15, 2009. To do so, I need to lose 40 pounds in 56 weeks. I think that is a realistic and doable goal.
The other goal is to take part in a ten-mile race in Charleston, SC, on the first weekend of April, 2010. The race starts in Mount Pleasant, crosses the Cooper Street bridge, and ends at Charleston College in historic Charleston. I first read about this race in September of 2005 and thought then how much I would love to walk that race. It crosses one of my favorite rivers and ends in the town I will someday reside in. Back then, I thought it was impossible. Now, I know it is not only possible, but I will do it and I will do it in under 5 hours! (Remember, I'm walking, not running. Five hours means I would be doing a 30-minute mile. I can almost do a 20-minute mile now, so under five hours is quite reasonable!)

Free Ecards

2008-05-08T06:40:00.001-04:00

Some of my paintings and photography is now available as free ecards. You can find them at:

http://www.amazingdreamspublishing.com/cards/cards2/indexglendaart.html
http://www.amazingdreamspublishing.com/cards/cards2/indexglendaphoto.html

Painting with Words

2008-05-05T11:21:00.003-04:00

My writing prompt for today is: Think of one place that is special to you. Paint it in words.

Turn off the hot black asphalt onto a narrow red-dirt road. Feel the vibrations as you cross the first of many cattle guards flanked by rusted barbed wire fences.

Pasture land, green with the new growth of early spring, spreads to the base of the far mesa. Brown and white cows casually watch as you pass by, not at all bothered by the sight of a vehicle crossing their dining table.

The road curves around, becoming gravel. Your car throws up white dust as you pass. The road dips to a low water crossing where a languid stream creeps across the road. There is barely a splash as your tires enter the shallow water.

Pull over here. This is where you spot the first thick cluster of bluebonnets, dancing in the cool breeze funneling down the creek from the far cliffs.

An old farmhouse sits close to the creek, its once white paint grey from many harsh winters. An old rocking chair rocks itself on the sagging porch as the breeze teases a piece of torn screen hanging on the faded green door.

Look up at the creaking windmill, tottering on tired old legs. Those rusty blades once shone bright as they twirled in the Texas wind, proudly pumping fresh water from deep below the ground. Now they whimper in disrepair and neglect.

Red Indian paintbrush mixes with the rich blue of the bluebonnets, their bright colors contrasting with the dull old house they hug. Honeysuckle, not yet in bloom, crawls up the old porch columns, determined to brighten the sadness with its white and yellow fragrant blossoms it will soon put forth.

Continue down the road, through the thick shade of the live oak trees. Movement. A doe, brown and tan, steps out from the brush, followed by two tiny speckled fawns. Stop and let them pass.

Leave the trees behind as you round yet another curve. Catch your breath as sheer red granite cliffs rise above you to the bluest sky in Texas. White dots move along the side of the cliff. Grab your binoculars and watch the daring goats traverse a seemingly impossible path.

The creek meanders along the base of the cliff before turning back towards you. Cross it again and begin the slow climb upward. On either side of the road the bluebonnets blanket the pastures so thickly little green can be seen. Occasional stands of yellow groundsel and red interlopers of Indian paintbrush interrupt the monopoly of blue.

Suddenly the climb upwards becomes quite steep. Your teeth jangle as you cross yet another cattle guard, this one in need of repairs to its loose poles. At the top of the hill, the road curves south. Find a safe place to park and carefully step out to the boulders that line the top of the bluff.

See the waves of blue down in the valley? That lake is not full of water but of Texas bluebonnets. Don't forget to breathe as you take in the magnificence below.

Now turn and look across the road. Look at the boulders, sprinkled with sparkling quartz, running up the face of the hill. Pink primrose and yellow buttercups grow amidst the deceptively barren rocks.

A few more miles and you enter the bustling metropolis of Willow City, Texas. A general store, a post office, a school and a church or two sit within the city limits. Enter the store, its cool dark interior welcome after the bright sunlight. A grape soda and a chocolate bar, rung up by a kindly old woman, and you are on your way to your next adventure.

A Morning on the Mudflats

2008-05-05T10:01:00.004-04:00

Cottonwood snow floats on the breeze, catching in spiderwebs and gathering at the feet of trees. Honeysuckle vines slither among branches and around fence posts, their yellow and white blooms filling the air with sweet aroma. Blackberry brambles compete for space, the promise of luscious berries in the prolific white flowers.

The path, still damp with morning dew, curves and follows the levee around the perimeter of the mud flats. Turtles of all sizes sun themselves on exposed logs, sliding into the water with a plop when startled.

A beaver's lodge rises above one of the stream beds. Its inhabitants are nowhere to be seen, but their presence is evident in the sharply pointed stumps of once hopeful saplings.

A Canadian goose warns of approaching danger and her three fuzzy goslings race to her side. Her mate, hyper-vigilant, watches the sky with one eye and the path with the other. The two communicate with small clucks and clicks. Dad decides all is safe and the babies wander out from beneath their mother. They pluck at the grass as they make their way to the edge of the water. The family wades in and swims away, Mom in the lead, Dad bringing up the rear, the babies single-file between them.

A hawk cries out from the trees beyond the flats. The geese circle their babies, urging them to land where Mom shields them from sight beneath her wide, safe wings. The hawk appears - a sharp-shin hawk, the white bars across his tail bright in the morning light. He circles the flats - once, twice - then he catches an upward draft and soars high until he is a mere speck in the blue.

Great blue herons roost in the tops of two tall pine trees. Several large nests inhabit the sky high rookery. One heron stands in watch over the nests, a giant already, but even more so at the top of the tree. The other herons fish in the shallow, brackish water below.

The herons fish alone, moving stealthily through the water, head cocked to catch the movement of their prey. Lightning fast, a heron's head darts into the water, rising with its prize of a silvery sliver of writhing fish. The heron tosses his head, his neck flexing as the fish slides into his gullet.

A tiny kingbird perches on a stump that rises just above the surface of the water. Her grey feathers blend so well into the background she is hard to spot except for the song - "zeer, ti-t-t-t-ti-zeer" - she sings as she waits for an unsuspecting insect to fly by. Dragonflies, damsel flies and a variety of butterflies dart among the reeds along with flies and moths and other flying things. The kingbird doesn't wait long before flying straight up, landing again with a red moth firmly pinned in her beak.

The path has circled back to its starting point with its abundance of honeysuckle and blackberries hanging heavy with flowers. Large bumblebees bumble from bloom to bloom, while smaller bees rush to gather their pollen. The bees buzzing joins the orchestra of trilling finches and warblers and the songs of the frogs. The sun warms the earth, a new day well under way.

My Ideal Life

2008-05-02T14:04:00.002-04:00

I've been challenged by several books and articles to write what my ideal life would be like. Every one of them said to write it as though it is already true. So, here goes. I'm sure it's not complete, so I may add more later.

My Ideal Life

I live on the Atlantic coast, somewhere between Nag's Head, NC, and St. Mary's, GA, but not in the Myrtle Beach, SC, area. I live in a large yellow house with white trim with Lisa, the love of my life, and our cats and dogs.

From the back of the house we have direct access to the beach via a long, well-cared for walkway (looks like wood, but is actually that composite stuff that never rots). The walkway, at irregular intervals widens to accomodate a covered and well-lit sitting areas.

The house is large and airy and spacious with a modern, up-to-date kitchen (stainless appliances, lots of gadgets to play with, lots of cabinets and counter tops) that opens to an eating area and large living space. Large windows line the entire area, looking out over the back porch and deck. The view stretches out forever to the ocean and the far horizon. The porch is screened in, with windows that close snuggly to protect the porch and its inhabitants from inclement weather.

Hardwood floors are throughout the house with intermittent, brightly colored throw rugs. The walls are covered with Lisa's and my photography and artwork and other pictures that we love. The furniture is comfortable and inviting and pet friendly.

The dogs and cats have the run of most of the house and porch, but there are also two rooms set aside strictly for them. In the dog room are comfortable kennels with access to outdoor runs. The cats also have access to an outside play area that is entirely enclosed for their safety and protection. Both rooms are outfitted with filters to help filter out the inevitable odors animals sometimes emit and keep them from the rest of the house.

Our master bedroom suite is huge. It includes a comfortable sitting area where we can relax with a good book or our laptops (wireless internet is available throughout the house and out to the sitting areas on the walkway). The king size bed is made up in lively colored linens and bright comforter. Dimming switches for the overhead lights are within easy reach of either sid of the bed.

Two walk-in closets have built in drawers for our clothing as well as plenty of space for our shoes and hanging up clothes. Between them is the wonderful master bath with its whirlpool tub situated in front of large windows that afford the bather with a view of the ocean and horizon. A massive, glassed in shower has multiple shower heads, many with massaging action. The long double vanity with its raised sinks offers plenty of room for both of us to be preparing for our day or night at the same time.

On either side of the master suite are our private sleeping rooms for those nights we just need to be alone with our thoughts or when Lisa wants the dogs to sleep with her (they are banned from the king size bed!).

I also have a well-stocked craft studio with everything I could ever need or want to paint or collage or sew. Next to it is my office (both rooms are brightly lit and airy). My office has a large desk with a comfortable chair and bookcases that go about two-thirds up the walls. The bookcases are full of books I love, including my own published novels, Lisa's children's books and Chame's volumes of poetry.

Lisa's office and media room are just down the hall. Her office is set up just the way she wants. The media room has a large plasma TV on one wall with all the recording devices anyone could wish for. Comfortable chairs and sofas are positioned for easy viewing. The state-of-the-art stereo system can be broadcast to any or all the rooms in the house and out onto the deck and walkway. Large cabinets house all the DVDs and CDs she ever wished for.

Several guest suites occupy the upper floor and a small guest cottage is positioned between the house and the dunes. The spacious yard is dotted with small flower beds full of every kind of flower ever known to grow in the coastal climate. Bird feeders, bird baths and bird house are everywhere. A vegetable and herb garden is situated at the base of the deck steps, convenient to whoever is cooking, whether in the outdoor kitchen or the indoor kitchen. An enclosed and heated swimming pool and hot tub are popular gathering places for our friends and guests.

The large garage, connected to the house by an arbor covered walkway heavy with trumpet vine, house my green Honda Element, loaded with every amenity, and Lisa's silver Silverado pick-up truck. The far end of the garage is home to our large camping trailer when we aren't pulling it with Lisa's truck to our next destination. Traveling is one of our favorite hobbies. Above the garage is our well-organized, climate controlled storage area.

Lisa and I both have jobs we love and look forward to. I work at a job where I make a difference; where there is a good team because everyone cares deeply about what they do; where longevity is the norm rather than the exception; and whre I am accepted and respected for who I am.

We have a lorge group of friends with whom we network with and socialize with on a regualr basis, including Chame and Marline. My kids come out to visit on a regualr basis as do Christie and CT and their kids.

Even though I work at a job I love, I still have plenty of time to devote to my writing, my photography and my painting. I continue to prove myself worthy of publishing with both my writing and my photography in great demand.

The relationship Lisa and I have continues to deepen and to grow. Our love is palpable and friends often comment on it.

We are active together in a local church. We are members of a dinner club and other social groups. We spend time together birdwatching, shell seeking, beach walking, camping and just lounging.

I am able to release all grudges and resentment and am able to forgive quickly. I am able to be angry without being ugly or throwing a tantrum. My health and weight are at their best. I compete regularly in half and full marathons as a racewalker. I am a mentor to young women and latebloomers alike at the local LGBT community center.

I love my life and have never been happier.

Oh, by the way, my clothing of choice is still jeans and a t-shirt during the winter, switching to shorts when the weather is war. A good pair of sneakers, a pair of walking shoes, and a pair of Earth sandals are good enough for everyday and a cute pair of boots for going out. And my hair is still short!

Release

2008-05-02T09:37:00.002-04:00

originally written May 1, 2008

In reading The Secret and many articles on the Internet, I have come to understand that one of the reasons I am chronically unhappy, chronically ill, and chronically angry is I haven't released my past. I hold on to it, to all the hurts and regrets and disappointments, as though it is a security blanket of some kind.

I just had this thought: So what if Mom died without forgiving me? That was her problem, not mine. Oh, I feel as if a huge weight just lifted off my heart. I feel freer now than ever before.

Now I can get on with forgiving myself, letting go of the things Mom wouldn't forgive me for. Now I realize that by worrying Mom never forgave me, I was unable to forgive myself. I can admit I made mistakes in the past but I don't have to let those mistakes haunt me for the rest of my life.

Another realization: So what if people hold grudges against me or don't approve of me for one reason or another? That's THEIR problem, not mine, their energy wasted, not mine. If I've done something wrong and I've sincerely apologized and tried to make whatever "it" was right, the onus is on the other person to accept that. If they choose not to, that's their choice. It's time for me to release it, to let it go. I don't have to keep apologizing, keep trying to make it right, keep trying to gain their approval. I've done my part. Now, it's the other person's choice whether to do their part or not. If they choose not to, it's not my problem!

I do have to release the grudges I am holding against people as well. Grudges zap my energy and ocntinue to bring negativity into my life. Holding grudges and resentment does no one any good, especially the person holding them. Even if the other person never apologizes to me, never tries to make things right, never makes the effort, I have to forgive them and move on.

I also have to release the resentment I feel towards people. I can't resent them for their accomplishments. Resentment gets me no closer to my goals. I should be happy others have reached their goals and if it's someone I respect, I should pick their brains on the steps they took to get there. Otherwise, congratulate them, even if it's in my own mind, and move on.

I make mistakes. I made mistakes in the past. I will make some more in the future. The key is to admit the mistake; strive to correct it if possible; and learn from it. But, most importantly, I must forgive myself!

Anger

2008-05-02T09:28:00.002-04:00

originally written Friday, April 25, 2008

The anger surged out of me, unexpected and uncontrolled. Such a minor issue to piss me off so thoroughly. And then it's made worse when I'm told to "calm down," to "sit down and breathe," to "get over it." I'm embarrassed enough by my behavior and my outburst without the reminders and the perceived lectures.

I hate it when I get that angry over seemingly nothing. I wish I could understand where it comes from and why. I could blame it on my emotions being raw since tomorrow is the anniversary of Mom's death. Oh, how I miss her! And how angry she would be with me acting the way I did last night. And she would never let me forget it, would force me to live it over and over, would tell anyone who would listen about how awful I was. And still I miss her.

I embarrassed my friends and made a fool of myself to countless others. People don't forget me because of how horrible I act, not because of anything outstanding I have ever done. I hate that about myself. I wish I knew how to stop it. I wish I knew how to "let it roll off my back." But I don't. I don't know how not to let these little things get under my skin, how not to let my buttons get pushed, how to stay calm when these things happen. Why can't I be mad without making a scene?

But the question still begs to be answered - Why do I get this mad to begin with? What precipitates my anger? How can I learn to step back and breathe instead of reacting? I'm tired of reacting the way I do. I want to call a truce with that side of me, with that angry, tantrum throwing little girl.

Self-assessment

2008-05-01T12:59:00.003-04:00

I do a lot of free-writing (put pen to paper and don't stop writing until X number of pages are full or X number of minutes has passed). Sometimes I have a topic, sometimes I don't. This is one of the writings I did last week. I think the topic was "Tell me about yourself." I have cleaned it up from the original; otherwise it wouldn't make much sense.

Who I Am

There is so much of me that I don't know or understand. Some days I don't like myself, not even a little bit. Other times I'm proud of the self I manifest to the world.

I can be a scared little girl who wants to hide from the outside world as much as possible. I can be a shrew that people shrink away from. I can be stubborn and mean, unmoveable, but wishing I wasn't. Awful, horrible things can come out of my mouth, things I'm terribly ashamed of later.

But I can also be gentle and loving and giving. Sympathetic and caring. I can spew words of wisdom I have no idea where came from and that I seem to forget as soon as they are spoken.

I'm capable of having a sting to my words in one sentence and consolation in the next. I can be intelligent and incredibly stupid in an amazingly short period of time.

I'm observent yet careless. I'm a slob but crave organization. I am talented but don't always recognize it. Some days I have such low self-estem I can't understand how or why anyone could love me.

I am lazy but industrious. I have tunnel vision and can only seem to concentrate on one project at a time, often to the detriment of projects already started.

I am beautiful and I am ugly. I love my thick hair and blue eyes. I hate my teeth and crooked fingers. I like my sense of humor and hate my sensitivity.

I am a good partner, most of the time. I love thoroughly and with all my heart. but I can be clingy to the people I love.

originally written Wednesday, April 23, 2008

My first blog

2008-05-01T12:43:00.002-04:00

Well, I've jumped on the bandwagon and started a blog. I've been doing so much journaling lately (instead of working on my next novel!) and I have been trying to figure out the best way to share some of what I've written. I finally decided this just might be it. I hope I don't bore any of you to death and I do welcome comments on what I've written.