Egret in top of very tall tree

Taken Sunday, September 28, 2008, at Sarah P. Duke Gardens, Duke University, Durham, NC.

Long time

Hi folks. Sorry it's been so terribly long since I updated my blog. Life, as we know it, has changed so very much. Transition is once again in the air.

As you probably know, Lisa lost her job at the vet clinic here in Raleigh on July 3. Details aren't important, but the doctor there seems to have done her best to black-ball Lisa at every turn. We actually, at one point, considered consulting an attorney since it seems that the doctor was telling potential employers some rather insulting things about Lisa.

Before that could happen, a dear friend of Lisa's who lives near her hometown in Kentucky, told Lisa about a job opening at the clinic she works for. After a telephone interview with the doctor there, Lisa was invited to go up for a face-to-face interview. We talked about it, weighed our options, and then made the arrangements for Lisa to basically move back to Kentucky. We borrowed money (thank you, dear friend!), spoke to Lisa's aunt where she is staying and Lisa left this past Saturday. Her interview was Monday at noon and she'll hear something "later this week." In the meantime, she is checking for other job openings as we do not have the money to get her back to Raleigh should this job not pan out.

So, I am working at Labcorp, at least for the time being. Once Lisa starts working up in Kentucky, she'll find a small furnished room so she won't have to stay at her aunt's house, and then she'll start looking for us a place to live. Our idealistic goal is for me to join her by the end of January, but realistically I don't expect to be up there before about Easter. A large part of my heart is in Kentucky and it is frustrating not knowing when we'll be together again.

I thought "Okay, I'll spend my quiet evenings writing." Well, that just doesn't seem to be happening. I just don't seem to have anything to say when the inspiration for me to start writing in the first place is 400 miles away. I have so many stories started and an obligation to finish one by November AND I've signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November and I have no clue what to write about. I can never remember feeling this empty before.

Thank goodness for good friends - both in real life and cyber friends - because my own kids aren't being very supportive at this time in my life. I let them know Lisa left and why and asked, no begged, them to call me once in a while to cheer me up, to give me a boost. Lisa left on Saturday - guess how many phone calls I've recieved from my "loving" children?

I had planned on going to Texas for a week in December. When Lisa left, I thought the trip would have to be cancelled. And it still might have to be - I have to be sure I have someone to dog-sit before I make any hard and fast plans. However, IF I still am able to make the trip, I seriously doubt I'll stay with the kids. Why should I? They obviously don't care about me or how I feel or the fact that the one person I love more than life itself isn't here with me right now. Why in the world would I want to stay with people like that? And since I have no place else to stay, it looks like the trip is off regardless of whether I can find a dog-sitter or not.

I saw on another blog where someone posts a picture a day that she took. I think the pictures she posts are ones she took each individual day. I thought that was so cool. Doing something like that would force me to look around everyday for something worth photographing. So, I thought I would start doing something like that. I'm going to start with posting a photo a day from my archives, but eventually, soon, I hope to post one a day I took THAT day! I would love to hear y'all's comments on the pictures.

Thanks to all of you for reading my diatribe. I'm lonely. I miss my Lisa. I miss the people I thought I raised my children to be.

Glenda

Contest

Hi!

I'd like to announce a new contest I'm having over at my website, http://www.glendapoulter.com/. Scroll to the bottom of the first page to the guestmap. Click on the link and place your pin on where you live. Everyone who does by August 31 will have their name put into a drawing for one of four prizes. The prizes are either an autographed poster of the cover of my book, Coming Home, or a free download (ebook) of the novel from http://www.l-book.com/. Winners will be notified by email by September 5. Good luck!

Glenda

Don't eat Papa John's

On June 16, Lisa and I ordered (online) a pizza, cheese sticks, 2 diet cokes, 1 free coke zero and a tropical fusion. When the order was delivered we got a pizza, 1 diet coke, 1 coke zero and a vitamin water. We called the store that the order was delivered from and the young man I spoke to told me I was "stupid" because we apparently hit the wrong button on the website. Okay, that pissed me off, but I stayed remarkably calm. Then I asked why we got a vitamin water instead of the tropical fusion and again I was told I was "stupid" for not knowing that particular store did not carry the fusion. Then I blew up and Lisa took the phone away from me. She demanded we get our cheese sticks and the manager was extremely rude to her. So she told him to come get the food and credit our debit card the $27.26. He told her he wouldn't come get the food but would credit the card. He didn't do it. So, we then had a $35 overdraft fee. As of today we still didn't have our credit. We called the store and was told "Oh, we forgot." Oh, you wouldn't believe how mad that made me and Lisa. On top of that, we were told since they "forgot," they can't do it now, it has to be done at corporate. Well, we called corporate. Everyone there that can do it is on "vacation." I have filed formal complaints with the Better Business Bureau and with Papa John's online. I am now starting a huge campaign to take as much business away from them as possible. I am making up flyers that say, in essence, "Papa John's false advertises what products are available; they make promises they have no intention of keeping; they are thieves and commit fraud." Then I'm putting those flyers on every car in their parking lot and in the parking lots of adjacent businesses.

So, be fair warned. Papa John's does not police their stores to be sure that what is advertised on the website is the same products available at their stores; they do not police their stores to be sure their customers are treated with respect; they do not police their stores to be sure that money that should be refunded to their customers is refunded. This store IS a corporate store; so the corporation is responsible for making sure the customers that frequent that store are treated properly.

Pain

I've tried to get past the fact that the man who donated his sperm to give me life chose over 40 years ago to not be my "daddy." I've tried to get past the fact that he deserted us emotionally and in some ways physically so long ago. Over the years I tried, I begged, to be able to have a relationship with him. He was always too busy with his new family, with his "bad" health, with anything other than us. He attended none of our HS graduations; he only made it to one of our weddings, but only then because he was in town to see about Grandma; he was too busy to come to my daughter's wedding. He professed to be Mom's friend, but he didn't even attempt to come to her funeral.

Now, suddenly, he wants to open a dialogue with me; he wants to try to be the "dad" he never was. Six weeks ago I got an email from him. I answered him and told him the ball was in his court; I would communicate with him through email, but I would not initiate any contact. I finally got another email from him yesterday. I copied it here since there is no way I can put into my own words his ugliness:

Dear Glenda,
Just a few lines to let you know I have not forgotten you or my promise to you. I looked at your web site, and I now understand why there has been so little contact between us. Let me say very early in this letter, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR BECOME, YOU WILL NEVER NOT BE MY DAUGHTER, AND AS SUCH I WILL NEVER INTENTIONALLY DESERT YOU. That all having been said, you must know and understand that I do not and CANNOT approve or condone your chosen life style. I promised you when you contacted me that I would not judge you, and that promise is still very much in effect. I do not have to agree with you to love you and try to be the Dad I have never been to you. That is my present objective. No one knows any better than I do how much time I have wasted, nor does anyone have a greater desire to begin now to be at least a part of what I never was, your dad as well as your father. If you want to talk to me about these subjects or anything, I do not believe e-mail is a proper forum for these kinds of dialogues. So you will need to either call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or xxx-xxx-xxxx (cellular) ANYTIME you want to talk, and I do mean ANYTIME. I will receive your e-mail, but I will not discuss any of these issues via e-mail.I love you, and I pray and deeply hope that it is not forever too late to be at least a small part of yor life.

Much love and prayers,
Dad

I xxxed out his phone numbers out of the tiny bit of respect I have for him.

I cannot even begin to say how this email made me feel. I ranted and raved for awhile, but now I'm sad, oh so sad. Why in hell did I think things would be different this time? Why in the world did I think he really meant it this time? How stupid do I have to be to keep falling for his idiocy? I wrote him back. Here's what I said to him:

Your email is the biggest insult I have received in a VERY long time.

Point 1) You said: I now understand why there has been so little contact between us
The reason there has been so little contact between us has nothing to do with anything you read on my website. The reason there has been so little contact between us is you CHOSE not to contact me; you CHOSE not to respond when I tried to contact you. I gave up.

Point 2) You said: I WILL NEVER INTENTIONALLY DESERT YOU. You did that a LONG time ago. So it's too late to say you won't now. Already been done.

Point 3) You said: I promised you when you contacted me I didn't contact you this time. YOU contacted me. Don't put the onus on me.

Point 4) You said: try to be the Dad I have never been to you You are right, you never have been a Dad to me. And if you think this email is going to make me run into your arms as though nothing ever happened, well you live in a dream world. You were the sperm donor that gave me life and that's it.

Point 5) I have no issues to discuss with you. The tone of your email tells me you plan on preaching to me, to judging me (regardless of what you say), to not be the "Dad" I never had. You plan on doing your best to talk me into giving up the first happiness I've ever had in my life.

I did not "choose" to be a lesbian. I was born that way. I've known it since I was 17, but I tried to be a "good" little girl. I did all the things you and your God and mom and her God and Mike and his God and Chris and her God told me I was supposed to do. But Tim did me the biggest favor he could ever have done by leaving me because I was able to finally be true to myself. I am in love; I am happy. I have found the true God; the one who loves EVERYONE He created; not just a few. I also know He didn't make a mistake when He created me the way I am. My God is happy I am with the love of my life; He is the God of love, not of hate and intolerance that y'all's God is. You can keep that God.

If you think I'm going to call you to "discuss" any of these issues or anything else, you are sadly mistaken. I don't need you or your preaching. Keep it.

And, of course, as soon as I hit send, I thought of more I wanted to say to him. So this email got sent this morning:

The more I think about this email, the angrier I get. I tried from the time I was 10 or 11 years old to get your attention, to make you want to see the person I was and am now. You ignored me or brushed me off. In one memorable conversation when I was 19, you compared me to Mom by calling me a "bitch and a liar." I'm sure your convenient memory has allowed you to forget about that. I've tried as recently as a few short years ago to contact you and stay in touch, but you were too busy. You were too busy to come to my high school graduation, my wedding, my daughter's wedding. How dare you think that now that you are house bound that you suddenly have time for me! You should have made the time forty years ago.

YOU contacted me. YOU are who wanted to open a dialog and try to become acquainted with me (I refuse to say "reacquainted" because you have never known me, cared to know me, or made an effort to know me before now). YOU made a promise that if I responded you would too and that we could keep the dialog to email, which is the ONLY way I will communicate with you as I do not wish to hear your whining voice and hear how bad you feel all the time.

Your health has been your only topic of conversation for as long as I can remember. Mom was in ICU at Huguley back in September of '02. We had been told she wouldn't survive the day much less the week. You called up there and I had the misfortune of answering the phone. All you could talk about was how bad your health was. That was when I truly wrote you off. Shame on you for thinking we even care anymore! It gets old, very old, very quickly when all we hear is "I'm sicker than you" and "I'm worse off than you." Why in the world do you think I would call you since I know that is all I would hear?

I also know if I call you, you will spew Bible verses at me to prove to me how "wrong" my relationship is. Well, sir, I too have been studying my Bible. But I have been studying it in the context in which it was written. I do not live by the Old Testament (and if you did, you would have already been taken to the gate of the city and stoned to death), so don't spew Leviticus at me. And if you read Paul's words in context, in the true meaning in which they were written, he was warning against selling your body, whether in a heterosexual or a homosexual manner. If you read Jesus' words, you will find not one word about homosexuality, for or against. In fact, if you read Jesus' words, you will read about love and tolerance and acceptance for EVERYONE, not just a few chosen people. Shame on you and all your "religious" peers for trying to make me and my wife (yes she is my wife whether you like it or not) feel dirty and ashamed of who we are.


I am proud of the person I have become. I did it on my own with little help from Mom (I will not speak ill of her - just suffice it to say she has never been supportive of me) and none from you. I am a published author; I am successful and respected in my community; I have a large number of supportive, caring and loving friends - my family of choice since my biological family are all ass-holes. I am proud of my wife. She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul who loves me, warts and all. She is successful and well respected.

Nothing you can do or say will change any of the above. You gave up the right to even try forty years ago when Mell and her girls became more important to you than your own biological children.

If you wish to communicate with me it will be strictly by email. I will not call you. Period. You do not need my phone number or my mailing address. So, now it is up to you. If you want to try to build a relationship with me, there will be ground rules:

1) Email ONLY
2) No preaching; no judging - do not spew your version of the Bible to me
3) Not one word against me or my wife
4) Not one word about your "health"

If you think you can stick to those, fine write me. Otherwise, good-bye forever. I do not need your grief in my life. I have enough of my own. I'm still grieving the death of my mother - whom I loved dearly and tried my best for and failed miserably for 48 years. I'm grieving the fact I'll never be a grandmother because of my daughter's health and the fact my son will probably never marry (by his choice). I'm grieving other shit that is none of your business. I don't need your wallowing in self-pity, nor do I need your judgmental, self-righteous, sanctimonious tirades about how "bad" I am and how "wrong" my relationship is. So, you choose.

I know I will probably never hear from him again and that should be the end of it. So why does it hurt so bad? Why do I still crave a "daddy"? WHY!!!!?????

My birthday trip

Lisa took me to the coast for my birthday! We had such a wonderful time. We saw birds and alligators; we ate seafood and played in the ocean. I didn't want to come home! I think being 50 is going to be the best decade yet!

My good news!

www.PDPublishing.com

PD Publishing has accepted my book for publication! YIPPEE!!!!

The new title will be Welcome Home. It will still be available at www.L-Book.com as an e-book and l-book under the title Coming Home.

Am I excited? Oh, let's just say my feet haven't touched the ground for quite a while now!