Pain

I've tried to get past the fact that the man who donated his sperm to give me life chose over 40 years ago to not be my "daddy." I've tried to get past the fact that he deserted us emotionally and in some ways physically so long ago. Over the years I tried, I begged, to be able to have a relationship with him. He was always too busy with his new family, with his "bad" health, with anything other than us. He attended none of our HS graduations; he only made it to one of our weddings, but only then because he was in town to see about Grandma; he was too busy to come to my daughter's wedding. He professed to be Mom's friend, but he didn't even attempt to come to her funeral.

Now, suddenly, he wants to open a dialogue with me; he wants to try to be the "dad" he never was. Six weeks ago I got an email from him. I answered him and told him the ball was in his court; I would communicate with him through email, but I would not initiate any contact. I finally got another email from him yesterday. I copied it here since there is no way I can put into my own words his ugliness:

Dear Glenda,
Just a few lines to let you know I have not forgotten you or my promise to you. I looked at your web site, and I now understand why there has been so little contact between us. Let me say very early in this letter, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR BECOME, YOU WILL NEVER NOT BE MY DAUGHTER, AND AS SUCH I WILL NEVER INTENTIONALLY DESERT YOU. That all having been said, you must know and understand that I do not and CANNOT approve or condone your chosen life style. I promised you when you contacted me that I would not judge you, and that promise is still very much in effect. I do not have to agree with you to love you and try to be the Dad I have never been to you. That is my present objective. No one knows any better than I do how much time I have wasted, nor does anyone have a greater desire to begin now to be at least a part of what I never was, your dad as well as your father. If you want to talk to me about these subjects or anything, I do not believe e-mail is a proper forum for these kinds of dialogues. So you will need to either call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or xxx-xxx-xxxx (cellular) ANYTIME you want to talk, and I do mean ANYTIME. I will receive your e-mail, but I will not discuss any of these issues via e-mail.I love you, and I pray and deeply hope that it is not forever too late to be at least a small part of yor life.

Much love and prayers,
Dad

I xxxed out his phone numbers out of the tiny bit of respect I have for him.

I cannot even begin to say how this email made me feel. I ranted and raved for awhile, but now I'm sad, oh so sad. Why in hell did I think things would be different this time? Why in the world did I think he really meant it this time? How stupid do I have to be to keep falling for his idiocy? I wrote him back. Here's what I said to him:

Your email is the biggest insult I have received in a VERY long time.

Point 1) You said: I now understand why there has been so little contact between us
The reason there has been so little contact between us has nothing to do with anything you read on my website. The reason there has been so little contact between us is you CHOSE not to contact me; you CHOSE not to respond when I tried to contact you. I gave up.

Point 2) You said: I WILL NEVER INTENTIONALLY DESERT YOU. You did that a LONG time ago. So it's too late to say you won't now. Already been done.

Point 3) You said: I promised you when you contacted me I didn't contact you this time. YOU contacted me. Don't put the onus on me.

Point 4) You said: try to be the Dad I have never been to you You are right, you never have been a Dad to me. And if you think this email is going to make me run into your arms as though nothing ever happened, well you live in a dream world. You were the sperm donor that gave me life and that's it.

Point 5) I have no issues to discuss with you. The tone of your email tells me you plan on preaching to me, to judging me (regardless of what you say), to not be the "Dad" I never had. You plan on doing your best to talk me into giving up the first happiness I've ever had in my life.

I did not "choose" to be a lesbian. I was born that way. I've known it since I was 17, but I tried to be a "good" little girl. I did all the things you and your God and mom and her God and Mike and his God and Chris and her God told me I was supposed to do. But Tim did me the biggest favor he could ever have done by leaving me because I was able to finally be true to myself. I am in love; I am happy. I have found the true God; the one who loves EVERYONE He created; not just a few. I also know He didn't make a mistake when He created me the way I am. My God is happy I am with the love of my life; He is the God of love, not of hate and intolerance that y'all's God is. You can keep that God.

If you think I'm going to call you to "discuss" any of these issues or anything else, you are sadly mistaken. I don't need you or your preaching. Keep it.

And, of course, as soon as I hit send, I thought of more I wanted to say to him. So this email got sent this morning:

The more I think about this email, the angrier I get. I tried from the time I was 10 or 11 years old to get your attention, to make you want to see the person I was and am now. You ignored me or brushed me off. In one memorable conversation when I was 19, you compared me to Mom by calling me a "bitch and a liar." I'm sure your convenient memory has allowed you to forget about that. I've tried as recently as a few short years ago to contact you and stay in touch, but you were too busy. You were too busy to come to my high school graduation, my wedding, my daughter's wedding. How dare you think that now that you are house bound that you suddenly have time for me! You should have made the time forty years ago.

YOU contacted me. YOU are who wanted to open a dialog and try to become acquainted with me (I refuse to say "reacquainted" because you have never known me, cared to know me, or made an effort to know me before now). YOU made a promise that if I responded you would too and that we could keep the dialog to email, which is the ONLY way I will communicate with you as I do not wish to hear your whining voice and hear how bad you feel all the time.

Your health has been your only topic of conversation for as long as I can remember. Mom was in ICU at Huguley back in September of '02. We had been told she wouldn't survive the day much less the week. You called up there and I had the misfortune of answering the phone. All you could talk about was how bad your health was. That was when I truly wrote you off. Shame on you for thinking we even care anymore! It gets old, very old, very quickly when all we hear is "I'm sicker than you" and "I'm worse off than you." Why in the world do you think I would call you since I know that is all I would hear?

I also know if I call you, you will spew Bible verses at me to prove to me how "wrong" my relationship is. Well, sir, I too have been studying my Bible. But I have been studying it in the context in which it was written. I do not live by the Old Testament (and if you did, you would have already been taken to the gate of the city and stoned to death), so don't spew Leviticus at me. And if you read Paul's words in context, in the true meaning in which they were written, he was warning against selling your body, whether in a heterosexual or a homosexual manner. If you read Jesus' words, you will find not one word about homosexuality, for or against. In fact, if you read Jesus' words, you will read about love and tolerance and acceptance for EVERYONE, not just a few chosen people. Shame on you and all your "religious" peers for trying to make me and my wife (yes she is my wife whether you like it or not) feel dirty and ashamed of who we are.


I am proud of the person I have become. I did it on my own with little help from Mom (I will not speak ill of her - just suffice it to say she has never been supportive of me) and none from you. I am a published author; I am successful and respected in my community; I have a large number of supportive, caring and loving friends - my family of choice since my biological family are all ass-holes. I am proud of my wife. She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul who loves me, warts and all. She is successful and well respected.

Nothing you can do or say will change any of the above. You gave up the right to even try forty years ago when Mell and her girls became more important to you than your own biological children.

If you wish to communicate with me it will be strictly by email. I will not call you. Period. You do not need my phone number or my mailing address. So, now it is up to you. If you want to try to build a relationship with me, there will be ground rules:

1) Email ONLY
2) No preaching; no judging - do not spew your version of the Bible to me
3) Not one word against me or my wife
4) Not one word about your "health"

If you think you can stick to those, fine write me. Otherwise, good-bye forever. I do not need your grief in my life. I have enough of my own. I'm still grieving the death of my mother - whom I loved dearly and tried my best for and failed miserably for 48 years. I'm grieving the fact I'll never be a grandmother because of my daughter's health and the fact my son will probably never marry (by his choice). I'm grieving other shit that is none of your business. I don't need your wallowing in self-pity, nor do I need your judgmental, self-righteous, sanctimonious tirades about how "bad" I am and how "wrong" my relationship is. So, you choose.

I know I will probably never hear from him again and that should be the end of it. So why does it hurt so bad? Why do I still crave a "daddy"? WHY!!!!?????