originally written Friday, April 25, 2008
The anger surged out of me, unexpected and uncontrolled. Such a minor issue to piss me off so thoroughly. And then it's made worse when I'm told to "calm down," to "sit down and breathe," to "get over it." I'm embarrassed enough by my behavior and my outburst without the reminders and the perceived lectures.
I hate it when I get that angry over seemingly nothing. I wish I could understand where it comes from and why. I could blame it on my emotions being raw since tomorrow is the anniversary of Mom's death. Oh, how I miss her! And how angry she would be with me acting the way I did last night. And she would never let me forget it, would force me to live it over and over, would tell anyone who would listen about how awful I was. And still I miss her.
I embarrassed my friends and made a fool of myself to countless others. People don't forget me because of how horrible I act, not because of anything outstanding I have ever done. I hate that about myself. I wish I knew how to stop it. I wish I knew how to "let it roll off my back." But I don't. I don't know how not to let these little things get under my skin, how not to let my buttons get pushed, how to stay calm when these things happen. Why can't I be mad without making a scene?
But the question still begs to be answered - Why do I get this mad to begin with? What precipitates my anger? How can I learn to step back and breathe instead of reacting? I'm tired of reacting the way I do. I want to call a truce with that side of me, with that angry, tantrum throwing little girl.